Round up!

Dah, dah, dah... I don't really feel like writing a lot right now cos I just published something a moment ago, but I just really feel like I should somehow put up a blog entry before I bid this year goodbye...


    Let me enumerate some random things I've experienced this year:

• I became a legit and to celebrate that, I've thrown a birthday bash with my closest friends (awesome night)..
• I learned how to drive, both MT and AT, and most importantly, I learned what the term 'stick shift' is all about..
• Fell in love with photography and learned that it isn't really just about your passion to take pictures, but your passion to travel and explore places. Seeing it with your own eyes and preserving it with your camera.
• I was hired as an executive assistant, a photographer and a model all in one day..
• Went to 5 different malls in one week.
• Had a wonderful summer (I won't elaborate anymore)
• Went to Subic to "shoot" a film for our Computer class. But really, all we did was eat and laugh the whole day.
• Discovered that I am really a moody person.
• Discovered how bitchy I can get when really provoked.
• Broke a shoe while I was on a Pilgrimage.
• Felt like a proud mama for the first time when my photograph got featured on an exhibit in school.
• Found out that Bowling isn't as easy as it looks. 
• Got featured in an online magazine as one of the most stylish audience in Philippine Fashion Week Holiday Collection (Another "proud mama" moment)..
• Nailed a nude gown on our school event.
• Told my mom I'm sleeping when I'm really out partying at Eastwood.
• Flunked Statistics.
• Had a gazillion psycho ex-girlfriend trouble (I can hear Regina George say: "That's soooo last year" in my head)
• Jello shots at my house with some friends and you know who... 
• Had a go-see for SoFa's first ever Fashion Show Event along with my EDP Co-Models and we were 3 hours late cos we had trouble finding the place. For 3 hours, we've been doing nothing but go around Makati trying to find SoFa's tiny office like we're a bunch of mountaineers who are lost in a huge forest.
• Met the so-called "evil professors" of ICOMM and they aren't so bad.
• Sucked at my first ever impromptu speech.
• Felt like a real DJ on our Radio Prod Class.

These are just some of the things I've gone through this 2010.. Not everything is good, but it sure made me a wiser person. In 30 minutes I'll be welcoming 2011 with no expectations, no negativity, no grudges, no hate.. But instead, with a big smile on my face. And my New Year's Resolution? Just put some more fun in my life and live like I'm dying.

Happy New Year everyone! 

It wasn't just a summer love after all

It's been nine months since I met you. Yes, it's pretty early to say that I've forgotten how it all happened although I would deny that if you ask me, just so I wouldn't sound like I love you more than I tell you cos really, I do. More than you know..

It was in the last quarter of February when I saw you sitting at my favorite bench at school, and I swear you were checking me out first. Okay, well you didn't deny that... So you added me on Facebook but I ignored you thrice because I didn't recognize you (I know, I know, I already said I'm sorry alright?), when I finally added you and found out you were actually him, I can't verbalize the excitement I felt at that moment.

You told me a story about how you saw me before Valentine's Day in front of the campus. "You were wearing a violet shirt" were your exact words and just right after you said it, Colbie Caillat's song 'You Got Me' suddenly played in my head.

We went out, you met my friends and showed what a true gentleman you are by taking me to the place where I was staying without even thinking twice on how far it is from your place (considering the fact that your mom used your car and you had to ride a cab)..

It's all pretty fresh to me. It was actually the highlight of my year. But why am I now talking in past tense? Well, because that is what it's supposed to be.. PAST. When I met you and got to know you, I had a hunch that things are gonna get messy in the end but I'm not really the type that would go after my hunch so I went on with it and took my chances with you.

What we had was gold, but pursuing each other now is not really the best way to get everything back. We had our own little time together and we made the best out of it. Us being together is the definition of the word "Fun" but fun is not all there is. We ended for a reason. And for months I've been trying to figure out what that reason might be but I was not successful. I'm sure you did the same.

Cliche as it is, but thank you for making me happy and for also making me cry (no bitterness intended).. Without the tears, I wouldn't have realized so many things about myself. I must admit though, until now I'm still hoping your name would suddenly pop up on my cellphone, I still keep wondering what it'd feel like if you ask me out again and that's exactly why I need some serious time away from you.

We tried being friends but the question is, do we even know how to be friends when we didn't start with friendship at all? So this is my goodbye note to you (although you're not gonna be able to read this).. But don't worry, I still consider this a good year because of you, and I'm still glad you've been a part of it.

It wasn't just a summer love after all
                   ...but a memory that I shall cherish in this lifetime.

Spaghetti saves the day ...yet again!

Today I beat another record. I woke up at 6pm. Last record was 4pm. Well, no, I didn't go out last Thursday night, I just had a Lindsay Lohan marathon, my mom found a DVD that contains every single Lindsay Lohan movie you can ever think of and I took it, watched whole night and day then slept at about 6am, is it my fault that I couldn't sleep?

So I woke up, with my sight still hazy, the first thing I checked was my phone and I almost jumped from my bed when I saw 47 unread messages and 9 missed calls, most of them are greetings for Christmas. I thought they were all just greeting in advance, but to my surprise, it was actually the 24th of December already (No wonder I was dreaming of my mom's spaghetti the whole time!)

So I've been a bum the whole day. Opened my facebook, took a shower, helped mom prepare stuff for the three of us (Mom, dad and I), opened the wine and finished the whole thing myself, they say a glass of wine is healthy but what about a bottle?! Well, who cares.. Okay, I must be hella bored right now cause I'm documenting my whole day again. But you gotta admit though, it's good to see an entry from me that's not about my heartaches for a change.

I actually thought it was going to be a lonely dinner again cause it's just me and my parents, but no, it was alright, not the best but not so bad either. My brother's at his condo with his girlfriend but he promised to spend the New Year's Eve with us. Well he better be here by then or I'll go wherever he is and drag him all the way here at home.

Christmas Eve wasn't perfect, but with all the greetings and smiles I hear and see around me, I can somehow feel the "Spirit of Christmas" they're all talking about. Although I felt it much more back then, when my granny's still alive, back when I was still a kid and the only question I have in mind was which dessert's the best, back when I don't over-analyze things and back when the toughest thing to do was to take off the tape on my gift.

I'm no longer lonely, right now I just feel blessed that I'm still spending Christmas with both my parents, and that I can still taste my momma's Spaghetti that's to die for (if you haven't tasted it then you're missing out!), and I still have friends that even bothers greeting me through the internet or my cellphone even though I've always been MIA.

You can spend time with your friends all year long, and that is why Christmas should always be spent with family, it's the only time of the year where you're excused to be all cheesy and affectionate to your parents and siblings (especially for the not so affectionate ones like me)

Okay, it's 2am and I think I should turn in now (..or not!) Oh! By the way, Merry Christmas ;)

Only God knows if he's the one, but I'm having fun

So I've never been over him after all (you've seen the emotional posts, you be the judge).. For a week now, I just can't take him off my brain. But that doesn't mean I can't do anything about it. So I guess now's the time to do what I gotta do.. The "out of sight, out of mind" thing didn't work so maybe I'll have to come up with some more moving on strategy (or perhaps I can Google?)..

Tonight, I wanna write about this really awesome man who came into my life after you-know-who. I really got to give him some credit. The man who helped me get through the "loneliest" stage of a break up (well it's not a break up but that's how my friends called it).. Anyway, he lives in Manhattan, exactly 8,506 miles from where I am and we really have a huge time difference.

I added him on Facebook about a few months ago. I don't just add people by the way, and although I didn't know him at that time, I just really felt like doing so. A few months after that, he started using my photo as his profile picture which surprised me cos nobody has really done that, considering that we've never really talked so much. So yeah, that little act caught my attention. And since I'm on the internet everyday, I stalked him and found his little conversations with his friends about me.

That's when I started talking to him, almost everyday actually.. Constant chatting, comments here and there, sweet posts and stuff.. I've grown fond of him in a short period of time and one day, I just found myself waiting there, 1:00 am, in front of my laptop, waiting for his name to come up.

He's not just like any other guys (okay, you've probably heard that a million times, but it's true!) He's the type that writes me a message just because, posts sweet songs on my wall (his song for me is Bruno Mars' Just the way you are, by the way! I mean, what kind of girl wouldn't like that??) He even wrote me a song! (sigh...) He did all the sweetest things that I wish a guy would do for me. He even goes online on his lunch breaks just to talk to me..

You know how Bella described Jacob when they started hanging out? She described him as her "own personal sun". That's what he was to me.. "It's like the huge hole that has been punched through my chest was gone" (Bella's words not mine..) He made me forget my problems and helped me get through those hectic writing days of my first semester in college.. Whenever I can't sleep, he's always there talking to me..

But things have been complicated with us (maybe something's wrong with me? I can't figure out why it happens all the time).. He sent me a message saying he thinks we're better off as friends and that we both needed time to heal from the past heartbreaks we've had, especially him cos he's been in a long-term relationship about a year ago.. And not to mention the distance between us, he loves his job and his mom's there, his life's basically in New York now and I don't think that no one, not even me, could ever make him come and stay here in the Philippines again.

We've never talked since his last message and now I just learned that he is here. I have no idea if he'd still cook that pasta he promised he would make for me, I'm not sure if he wants to see me or not. I'm not sure about what I want either... Like I always say, come what may.. (I didn't mean for that to rhyme..)

So here's the message he sent me on October 6 at exactly 8pm (Facebook time):

???

I sit all alone with my thoughts
Listening to Bruno Mars songs
Checking a blank screen, when you’ll be coming on
Waiting to be online so we could talk for awhile
Maybe at the time we normally do
Coz with just one “hey” I can feel your warmth

Refrain:
Minutes seems like hours
Hours seems like days
As slowly it’s killing me
Oh can you hear me? I’m trying to whisper
Your name across the distance
But it doesn’t relieve the pain
That I still can’t touch you Girl.

Chorus:
Ohh I hate this long distance
Don’t know what to do
I’m so into you baby
And I can’t help the way I feel
Everytime I think of you, I can’t turn around nor move no
Don’t know what to believe, my heart and mind says
You are what I never knew I always wanted girl

I met her in a strange place
I never thought I could love a girl like her
No, its not admiration or wild attraction
She’s amazing like the stars above beautiful
Her face, her smile, her love awaken my soul
Now look what you have done girl
(repeat refrain- chorus)

Please believe everything I say to you
I want you to see how beautiful you are to me
And how can I let go, I can’t help it
Need to see you, feel you, love you
But you’re hundred miles away
So I just want to say…


hey, can you give title to this song? i didn't sleep the whole night so id just wrote a song for you..:)

Dear brain, sorry for overloading you with thoughts of him..

I knew it was such a bad idea to come see you 2 nights ago. Now I just can't take you off my brain. You didn't call me that night and last night, not that I was expecting you to, but I was hoping that's what you'd do. Cause that's exactly what you did the first time we met, the first time we danced together, the first time we had a formal date, the first time I told my parents I was staying late in school just to be with you, the first time you experienced to be in a real fashion show with me, the first time you met my mom and we'd steal a kiss when she's not looking.

 At first I was not used to the thought of you calling me almost every second, with no apparent reason. But you made me get used to it, not tired of it, just used to it. Just enough to make me feel worried whenever you don't call me before. And that's exactly what I'm feeling now. I'm worried that you won't call me ever, or maybe you were constantly calling someone else now.

Hey, have I told you I dreamt of you last night? (make that this morning).. I slept thinking about you and I woke up thinking about you. My dream was so clear and it made me wish it was real. It was something that could've happened if we just ignored people around us. While I was dreaming, I felt happiness seeing your face, I felt love. And when I woke up, I felt disappointment that it was not true. That I'm actually just here in my room, without you.

I know this is unhealthy, cause I should move on now. But I just can't anymore. Well. I did move on, but when I saw you 2 nights ago, I knew I was screwed...

"Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them."

Months ago, I've went through a very bad "dating" experience with someone (like I've mentioned in my other blog entries.. Ohhh yes, it's still about him!) I knew it was going nowhere and no matter how much I want him, I knew it's never gonna happen because of a few reasons that I am not so proud to say I'm responsible of..

 I was hurt and the only therapy I found was talking it off with my friends and family. I was basically jibbering and jabbering about him for months, until we all got tired of it. All I had to say about him at that time were negative things. I feel comfort when I see or hear them say something against him.

 For one simple mistake he made, I made myself believe that this guy is nothing but another jerk, worst part, I made my friends and family believe that false thought. Well, maybe he's been a jerk for not trying to contact me and explain to me what really happened. He was literally gone for months so what would I think right? It's totally something a guilty person would do. 

Then now, after 7 months, just when I was able to say I'm over him, he comes again. I've daydreamed about this scenario over and over again and I've always thought it's gonna be very easy to handle. But no, it's actually the other way around. The moment I saw his eyes, his unsure smile, and that very manly stride, it all came back just like that. I guess that's what they call spark, but this is a very complicated scenario to just rely on the "spark" factor. There are so much things to consider.

Like I've said, I've mentioned everything that's happened between us to my friends and family, I almost made them hate him for hurting me, if ever I wanted to give us a chance now, what would they think or say? This is all new to me and I'm very confused.

All he wants right now is a chance to be happy again, it's the same thing I've been hoping for since the thing between us ended, and I can never deny the fact that my summer this year has been the best summer I've had in my life. And it's all because of him.. And not only does he make me happy when he's around, he also changed me for the better. A better daughter, a better sister and a better student. He never holds me back and he was the main reason I smile whenever I wake up early in the morning.

I want to get back to those times when the phone rings and I automatically smile cos I knew it was you, I want to see you waiting for me outside the school, I want to hold your hand again. I just wanna go back to the old days, but I can't because I don't know what my friends would say.

In my case, I didn't keep my words soft and sweet, so now, I'm completely jaded. We'll see what happens.. After all, friends and family are there to stick around through anything, right? 

Need I say more?

I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm bored.

                  ...Instead of folding paper swans or writing those little rings on the pages of my notebook like an autistic child, I decided to write on my blog instead (Have I told you I'm bored and I'm sleepy right at this very moment??). Anyway, I'm at my writing class listening to my classmates' reports. Just staring at the digital clock, wishing I could pass forward time. I wanna go home, do nothing but hope that Monday would never ever come again (like that is possible!).. Okay, so before my professor sees me, I must let go of this thing now. I'm making those paper swans after all.. Or those little rings. Oh wait! I don't have a pen.. Okay, so I'll stick with the swans then.. Buh-bye!

Not hating on Christmas ever again

My December didn't start so well because of some matters that I don't feel the need to elaborate on once again. But although it didn't start the way I wanted it to, it doesn't necessarily mean that it must end that way too.

Happiness is indeed an option. It just depends on how you handle things. My life is definitely not perfect, and so as others'.. But the only key, I think, is to just focus on the good and pleasant things. Putting your 100 percent attention on problems, heartaches and any negativity will just pull you down more and more. Just relax and take a breather, don't rush on giving solutions to whatever it is that's giving you a headache..

Tis' indeed the season to be jolly (folalalalalalalala...). I used to love Christmas so much but I've started to hate it in the past few years, and right now, I'm making a vow to myself to change that again. I guess it should be the same with other people also. There's no use of lingering in your misery cos too much of that won't give you anything but premature aging and wrinkles (this is how I scare my mom)..

Yes, I can be a Drama Queen sometimes...

Whenever I'm having a rough day, or I was hurt by something or someone, I'm not exactly like others.. I don't listen to happy songs or watch feel good movies. Instead, I focus on the loneliest stuff I could think of until it hurts no more.. I'm not sure if that's a what a rational person would do but it works for me.

And since I'm having one of those "rough day" I was talking about, I checked out my older blog entry about someone. And let me tell you, when I wrote this, I wasn't really having the time of my life so consider yourself warned if you're one of those people who has "I don't give a damn" buttons attached to them.. Especially to those who loathes drama so much and pretends they never have these kinds of days.. 

Moving on, below is a blog entry I wrote at exactly 10:49pm of May 12, 2010.. I won't elaborate or explain further about what happened cos I don't really feel the need to, so here it is:

                 I know I said I wouldn't give up...

        For once in my life, I had something I thought I could hold on to, have faith into and I could brag about. Turns out, I was the only one who was thinking that. In a relationship, something would always go wrong. Although you started smoothly, eventually, you will realize your differences. You learn each other's not so pleasant pasts. This is a normal thing, these are the things which you'll learn to accept sooner or later. Things which will make your relationship stronger.

In my case, it didn't make the relationship stronger. I can't even call it "relationship" yet. I've learned so many good things about him. I also learned a few flaws which I learned to accept and even love whole-heartedly. We've been going out for a few months now. We constantly chill out, we constantly text and call each other, we hang out with each other's friends and so on. In short, we spend so much time together. 

We've had a bond. A connection. I've given him my time. And I've given him trust which I don't just give to anyone. I thought he earned it. We've never fought even once. But just days ago, I found out something I never expected I would ever hear from anyone. Of course I've expected problems may come our way but this is beyond worst. I would've been less shocked if it had come from him. But no, it didn't. And when I asked him if it was true, he denied it. He pushed his luck and denied the obvious. 

I know I've promised I will never leave him no matter what.
 I guess that's the only mistake I've ever done. That I 
"promised" when I'll just break it. But this is too much. 
I've been lied to so much and I've given several chances so 
many times. I am tired.

I felt shame, anger, frustration and loneliness all at the same time that I got numb. So numb that I just can't think anymore. Things are still messed up. And I have yet to fix it. I just want closure and clarity. For now, I will try to sleep and hope that once I wake up tomorrow, everything that happened will just perish... Goodnight...

I can still somehow feel how sad I was while I was typing this (emphasis on SOMEHOW) but this is not really the reason of my being down in the dumps today, but it's something really similar to this.. Whatever it is, I'll probably just write about some other day. 

First entry (Yeah, really creative right?)

First post.. Well, I didn't really plan on putting up a blog since I can pretty much yammer about random stuff through Twitter and Facebook but I can't sleep and there's nothing else to do so I tried this thing anyway..


 Dah, dah, dah... So what do I write about on my first blog entry? AHA! So a few minutes ago, I watched The Social Network starring the ever sexy geek, Jesse Eisenberg. The movie's good although I didn't really understand almost half of what he was saying, but yeah, I think it was a good film nonetheless. 


It's about Mark Zuckerberg, the genius behind Facebook. After seeing this film, critics were saying he's an asshole but I think otherwise. He's just a guy who desperately wants to fit in and has the guts to make it happen. But asshole or not, he's still the youngest billionaire in the world. And you can suck on that snitches!