Yes, I can be a Drama Queen sometimes...

Whenever I'm having a rough day, or I was hurt by something or someone, I'm not exactly like others.. I don't listen to happy songs or watch feel good movies. Instead, I focus on the loneliest stuff I could think of until it hurts no more.. I'm not sure if that's a what a rational person would do but it works for me.

And since I'm having one of those "rough day" I was talking about, I checked out my older blog entry about someone. And let me tell you, when I wrote this, I wasn't really having the time of my life so consider yourself warned if you're one of those people who has "I don't give a damn" buttons attached to them.. Especially to those who loathes drama so much and pretends they never have these kinds of days.. 

Moving on, below is a blog entry I wrote at exactly 10:49pm of May 12, 2010.. I won't elaborate or explain further about what happened cos I don't really feel the need to, so here it is:

                 I know I said I wouldn't give up...

        For once in my life, I had something I thought I could hold on to, have faith into and I could brag about. Turns out, I was the only one who was thinking that. In a relationship, something would always go wrong. Although you started smoothly, eventually, you will realize your differences. You learn each other's not so pleasant pasts. This is a normal thing, these are the things which you'll learn to accept sooner or later. Things which will make your relationship stronger.

In my case, it didn't make the relationship stronger. I can't even call it "relationship" yet. I've learned so many good things about him. I also learned a few flaws which I learned to accept and even love whole-heartedly. We've been going out for a few months now. We constantly chill out, we constantly text and call each other, we hang out with each other's friends and so on. In short, we spend so much time together. 

We've had a bond. A connection. I've given him my time. And I've given him trust which I don't just give to anyone. I thought he earned it. We've never fought even once. But just days ago, I found out something I never expected I would ever hear from anyone. Of course I've expected problems may come our way but this is beyond worst. I would've been less shocked if it had come from him. But no, it didn't. And when I asked him if it was true, he denied it. He pushed his luck and denied the obvious. 

I know I've promised I will never leave him no matter what.
 I guess that's the only mistake I've ever done. That I 
"promised" when I'll just break it. But this is too much. 
I've been lied to so much and I've given several chances so 
many times. I am tired.

I felt shame, anger, frustration and loneliness all at the same time that I got numb. So numb that I just can't think anymore. Things are still messed up. And I have yet to fix it. I just want closure and clarity. For now, I will try to sleep and hope that once I wake up tomorrow, everything that happened will just perish... Goodnight...

I can still somehow feel how sad I was while I was typing this (emphasis on SOMEHOW) but this is not really the reason of my being down in the dumps today, but it's something really similar to this.. Whatever it is, I'll probably just write about some other day.